really helps, especially when you’re down. It was a scary thought yesterday, when I was depressed and mad as hell, that I was less than a mile, walking distance, from Gunn High school and the railroad tracks where four people suicided in 2009. I actually wanted to go there and see what it looked like.
I know a lot of people have felt the same way I did, like no one cared, and it’s often this that causes suicidal thoughts. When I was on aim at the party, and was just talking to random people, it almost felt like, they didn’t really care. I know I’ve done that, where I’ve just been living happily, and don’t really want to deal with someone sad, but this time it really felt like, well they didn’t want to bother even ASKING what was wrong. At this just made me more depressed.
I was at the brink of tears by the time I got home. I just wanted to go on aim one more time before I went to sleep, and I figured I was just going to cry myself to sleep and think about how pathetic I was.
Amazingly, Thomas, who helped me with a little of the same trouble before, was on. I was so frustrated by now with myself, I didn’t even bother with hi or anything, just “Thomas, can I rant to you?” And he said, “sure anytime”. So I spent about 5 minutes just typing out everything I was feeling to him, and he didn’t interrupt, but I could tell he was on. and when I got to the part about the train tracks he was like ” no don’t” or sometihng like that, and it helped to know that someone cared. At the end he gave me some advice, and even though it wasn’t new stuff, it made me feel better just to know that someone cared enough to BOTHER giving me advice.
By the end of the conversation, I actually felt a lot better telling everything that was bottled up inside of me to someone who actually listened. I mean, a blog is great, but when you want someone to listen, it’s nothing.
I know now that if all of those suicidal people had someone liked Thomas to listen to them and just CARE, they probably would never have killed themselves. When you feel like there’s no one out there who understands you or needs you or CARES about you, obviously the only way you feel to rid yourself is to suicide. But if even ONE person can just listen to what that person had to say and help them, it makes that person feel so much better and not alone. Please, please, find someone you can confide in, before you do ANYTHING harsh, and if you can’t ask me. I’m trying to model after Thomas in the fact that he listens. I realize now that I’ve not listened to Winnie so many times, and I realize too how that feels. Even when you are in a happy mood, try to understand someone who is in a sad or depressed mood. Even if all you do is listen and ask “what’s wrong?” it makes them feel so much better.
Thank you Thomas. For making me understand.
I am all ears. available anytime you need me, by aim or by text. :]
